All’s Fair in Love and War, part 2: The Rapture.

Friday 20th May – After three days of living the Himalayan dream, my Yeti friend Johnny and I decide to take a little vacation. Not only do we need a break, but there is a food shortage around here. The aliens have taken all the rabbits, and climate change is causing the snow to melt. I advise Johnny that we should therefore choose our destination very carefully, instead of randomly throwing darts at a map of the world. He decides against taking my advice.

Saturday 21st May – Our nine hour flight to some strange Caribbean island is interrupted by something: a catastrophic holy blast of white light. “Johnny“, I ask, “what is the date?” before remembering that Johnny is a Yeti and should theoretically not answer in English. “It’s May 21st“, says Johnny.

Sunday 22nd May – Turns out the Rapture happened yesterday, and as a result our holiday is on hold. That’s not to say the world has changed much. Sure, it’s now jointly ruled over by mutants and their master alien (who has a strange fetish), and animals have started speaking English, but still, nothing I haven’t dealt with before. After the plane crash yesterday, I wash up on the very same Caribbean island Johnny and I were travelling to. Looks like I can still have that break away from everything after all. Too bad Johnny can’t be here to share it with me…

Tuesday 24th May – …Yes he can! My journey inland soon brings to light three horrible truths about my old friend Johnny, all provided by a newspaper clipping helpfully pinned to the door of the first building I come to: a church. The front page headline reads “Queen Josephine forbids referendum on human fertility“. This tells me that Johnny wasn’t a Yeti at all; he was in fact the very alien I had accidently set free almost a week earlier (obviously, that’s why he could speak English). And it tells me that the human race is due to die out soon, in keeping with the recent Rapture trend. But the most worrying thing for me, the most unbelievable piece of news I have recieved thus far, is that Johnny was not, in fact, male. This presents the whole saga in an uncomfortable new light.

Wednesday 25th May – Josephine is hunting for me. An announcement she made over a loudspeaker this morning stated, “You can run but you can’t hide.” I can, actually. The 10 inch thick Caribbean snow may be making it hard to run, but it provides a blanket for cover, which I know isn’t ideal for my health but it does mean I’m still alive.

Wait a second

As I’m lying in my bed of snow, I realise I haven’t slept in about two weeks…

I hear digging through the layer of snow above me.

They are coming.

She is coming……………….

I just close my eyes.

Thursday 26th May – I wake up.


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